to love every, every moment

Originally uploaded by t!nk

Recently, I found out a close family member of mine used to cut herself. She’s since put a tat over the area, but the scars are still slightly visible. When I asked her why? She simply told me, “it made me feel better.”

I can understand the idea of experiencing a kind of pain to distract you from another. However, I struggle with the fact that people you consider close would rather go through hard pains alone; maybe to save the person you care about from the burdens you experience, but isn’t that what care is? Through good and bad…

I’m no sunshine soldier.

For you I wrote love on my arms.

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I trust you

Originally uploaded by t!nk

Sometimes I feel so helpless and insignificant in this world. Not to say that I don’t think I am of value – it’s not that. I mean that I feel the bigness of things and how my impact upon them, at that moment, feels so very small. It doesn’t stop me from hoping and trying.

You’ve told me so many bad things. So many very bad things and in that darkness I’m looking for moments of light. There had to be, moments. I have this feeling that you want to let go, but it’s been your security for so long that you are too afraid to. You’ve given me the key, but have your finger on the lock. You want me to know… more.

I want to know more.

You are my treasure. I love you.

No, it’s not my time of the month – eww (did you have to go there?)!

However, I did have the most amazing dream last night.  I’m awake and totally all smiles. Gosh, I hope it comes true.  You know when you wake up and you’re like *wiggle, wiggle, wiggle* in your bed? I feel like a little kid.  Yeah, it was that good of a dream.

I’m going to hit rewind on my mental images to see if I can relish in this thought just a little bit longer… Catch you, later!

Today begins my 5 day detox… I didn’t eat enough today and I think I’m hungry.  Though, I’m not sure how since my stomach is filled with herbal pills and gallons of water. Mmm… swishtastic!

Nothing to report on the fake eHarmony project.  Is it three months yet? I told my mom I wanted my money back… she just sucked her teeth and gave me a look.

I’m going to go eat a nectarine and pretend it’s the ice cream that I’m really craving…xD

Yeah, hi… so my friend who knows me too well for his own good called out my bluff regarding my commitment to this e-project. It was all a ruse to get my over-loving mother off my back.  Secretly, I know you guys knew that too.  I’m a grown woman for crying out and of course I want my mother to be happy in knowing that I’m fine… that I’m happy, but not at the pain of having to really give these online folks a chance.  My heart is in good hands, at least I feel that it is.

As I said, some of the guys “read” like they could be good mates, but you know beyond that I’m not interested. At the end of the day there’s only one guy I have my heart set on.  He knows it and that’s all that matters.

My mom will just have to live and let things happen in their own time.  Sorry, mom.

That said, *he* and I had a really nice chat this evening.  I’m just all smiles and that’s all I’m saying.  Oh yeah… and I’m the one to watch out for!

Sunday was my birthday. It was brilliant. I’m blessed to have such great family and friends…

Before you bite my head off – I didn’t forget about this grr – project.  I just didn’t have a whole lot of time last week to experiment.  Anyway, catching you up… I now have two people who I’m in “open communication” with (one just scraped in tonight). Two lads are in stage 3 and one that’s in stage 1. It’s very much like those turn based games in that you respond and then wait until the other player takes their turn.  I currently have 74 closed “matches” (10 that the guy closed: 64 that I closed).  I have one “new match” that I received today.  He seems interesting or out of his mind; wants to circumnavigate the world on his boat! We shall see…

Today’s reading included an article on kissing.  According to said article, men kiss for sexual reasons and women kiss to gauge how the relationship is going (and also for pleasure)…. what? Men don’t know that everything is in a kiss? Kissing with the right person is just so… just so right. Souls embracing… hearts racing… Hmm… nice.

Anyway, so the guys that I’ve been exchanging bits of dialogue with don’t seem crazy, but maybe that’s their ruse. I’m still annoyed, but like I said one of them so far seems like he’d be cool to be friends with.  He’s a complete dork which fits in with my bunch of friends nicely. (=

On other more dreamy news… I had the most I-really-really-hope-it-comes-true dream about my fickle Romeo last night, cept he wasn’t fickle and it was completely perfect.  Lately, he and I have been in each other’s heads. By that I mean, he’s either told me something and I had been thinking similarly or I’ve told him something and he was like that’s so funny (because he was thinking it too). Recently, we shared a dream. Like he and I had the exact same dream on the same night… am I reading too much into things?

Come on, Romeo. You’re my popcorn at the circus moment (if you’ve seen Big Fish you totally know what I’m talking about here).  I don’t want to give up completely on all Hollywood has taught me – if a guy wants to make it happen… he will.  Right?

Make sure you build up alot of spit in your mouth as you’re trying to get all those k’s out of it.  So the project rolls on… eHarmony has two ways of starting initial communication: fasttrack and guided.  It’s recommended that you do the guided method which is their way of helping you weed out the freaks with non-invasive questions and cookie cutter multiple choice replies.  I guess fasttrack is for those that want really want to meet someone like NOW!

After two rounds of guided communication and reading a letter from some doctor about using common sense and instinct (if it doesn’t feel right, duh… don’t do it!) you get to begin “open communication.”  I’ve made it to this point with one of my “matches” (it almost feels like I’ve levelled up in a game) and have two others in the first round of questions.  Funny, that the one I’ve reached open com with seems like he’d actually be a cool friend.  He’s a teacher like me, but he’s not cute like me.  Hahahaha!

The open communication stage is now supposed to last a while.  I’m cool with that.  I’m still seriously pissed my mom forced me into this (just so you know!)

On other news… my birthday is Sunday! I was saying to my mom how I was sad no one had sent me a card (everyone should be as excited about my birthday as I am!) However, God must’ve heard me because today I received one from an old ex’s parents in the UK.  Even though he and I broke up like in ’95 they’ve never missed one of my birthdays.  It even said don’t open until the 23rd on the outside (because they know I open stuff before I’m supposed to!) It’s ace when nice things happen out of the blue like that.*

*Ok so even though I’m bitter about the eHarmony stuff, I’m not really about my birthday.  Why waste my birthday month being disgruntled? There’s always September… ha!

Let me begin by stating, my mother made me do it. (sigh)

Until recently, I really didn’t think mom’s comments regarding saving my eggs or getting back “out there” were any more then just her bent sense of humour.  How wrong I was.

With my birthday (now looming) around the corner, she’s increased her comments to the point of driving me insane.  I’m almost questioning what’s wrong with me.  Almost. But if only that were it… if only it were just the comments, but now she’s taken to leaving the newspaper open to the singles and seeking section with several “options” circled.   I don’t believe there was a day last week that went by that she didn’t make some remark about how I should sign up to eHarmony because look how nice those professional men looked…

I don’t want those men.  I want -my- fickle Romeo… Can’t she see that?

Anyway, I told her you had to pay and how a cute girl like me with a fun personality who just happens to be in a wee bit of a personal relationship slump (or complication…) didn’t need to PAY to meet someone.  Just because she doesn’t think I should put my eggs into one uncertain basket (gosh, I’ll never think of eggs the same way)… doesn’t mean I should just forget that that particular basket is the one I want all my eggs in. Right?

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m sure there are some cool people out there who just need that little bit of help to get them in the door.  I’ve a few friends who met online some years ago and are still going strong.  Heck, I’m still good mates with my ex (whom I met online)! I just don’t want to “date.”  Not with any of them, at least…

Regardless, my mom has been relentless.  So to appease her I signed up. I thought this would be good enough.  I completed this long survey of questions about my likes, dislikes, what I would do or think of certain situations… etc etc.  It took forever.  I had to walk away from the screen a few times to take a break.  At the end of it, you think you’ve finally arrived; you upload your photo and wait.  Ha! Then you notice that though you have a photo in your album, it says there’s none there (on the side panel) You answer a few more questions thinking they’ll let you see something, but then they ask you for the money.  I’m not paying – forget it.  Wrong.

Mom says let me see these guys; my supposed matches. She was onto me.  All you can see without paying is their profile.  Which I was fine with, but my mom is a slick old woman… that would not do for her.  None of this “I’ll do it later” was going to stop her now. Not when she was so close to having grandchildren – wtf?! Ok, after telling her to slow her roll… I paid.  It was a small price to pay to calm the savage beast that was growing bolder and more desperate each day.

I paid. I’m too cute for this. Really.  I am. Romeo, look what you drove my mother to do…

To top it all off, mom’s like “oh he’s not that bad…” clearly LYING as she makes a face that I’m sure is holding back the vomit that just rose up into her throat.  In the two days that I’ve been signed up and over 26 matches, there has been not one worth giving a second look.  Throwbacks.  She tells me give it time, maybe the cute tv professionals come later on…

No mom.  This is it.  I want my money back and now a written apology for torturing me into doing this.  It’s time my mom faced the facts – TV lies.

I have three months of this to not look forward to.  Joy. Thanks mom – I hope you’re happy.

Oh yeah, I’ll be documenting my disgruntled comments for the duration.  Feel free to drop on by for my latest musings… come on and pull up a chair, y’all.

This week has been weird.  However, a little back stepping to bring you up-to-date is in order methinks. Ok, so I’ve been working on some life “perspectives” changes lately.  Though, now working on them doesn’t so much feel like work as just the thing to do, which is completely nice.  I’ve been told I look like I am in love, that I’m glowing – but mostly, I think it’s just that I’m happy.  I just smile when people say stuff like that to me.  (It’s good to keep them wondering.)  I don’t believe this happiness is a result of all my determined-to-smile-through-the-day or my kill ’em with kindness efforts.  It’s something deeper then that.  Gosh, maybe it’s joy rather then happiness.  Joy in knowing no matter what, it’s going to be ok.

[Confession: I’m interested in someone, but it’s complicated. I’m not entirely sure why it has to be, but then I tend to spend my over thinking hours on more highly imaginative (is that a word? Yes… I think it is) things.  He makes me smile and the world is that much brighter because of him. I’m smiling now just thinking about him and his mighty steed…]

OK, but before I get completely off-topic – the weirdness. We all know there’s different kinds of love: like the love you have for your parents, friends or your favourite pair of shoes, etc, etc. What happens when say, this kind of love gets tested? When all the years you’ve spent forging a friendship that has stood time and time again through everything that came it’s way until now… over two decades later. I feel this sadness niggling at me and yet, overall I’m ever happy.  It’s like this sadness is trying to take hold – only my spirit is free and my heart is beyond it.

This weirdness is not me. It’s some person who’s going through their own challenges; if feel sorry they’d rather go through them alone.  Though I can’t understand why they’d seem to want to hurt me in doing so.  Cold shoulders, text messages instead of calls, cancelled appointments… it’s weird.

Today the world mourns the loss of a great performer, Michael Jackson.  I grew up dancing and singing to MJs songs.  My mom used to tell me about how she ushered for one of his shows in Indiana and I remember asking why she never tried to get backstage to see the boy who would become the King of Pop.  Her answer was never terribly exciting… just that she saw him up close as a young guy was thrilling enough for me.

Today she repeated this story to me, but I didn’t ask why… I just felt sad, more then that – speechless. Whatever he was in life, who ever he was – I will always remember how his music moved me and the story of him as a young man always made my mom’s eyes sparkle just that little bit more.

Safe journey, Michael.  God bless your children… my deepest condolences to your family and friends.

(gee I wrote alot for being at a loss for words…)