You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2009.

I just woke up from one.  I’m shaking and my heart is racing quite a bit, but I’m awake and realise I’m safe so it’s calming back down.

In my dream I was in my bed (hmm, funny that since I was sleeping) and my phone was ringing  – somewhere in the distance.  It woke me from my sleep in my dream and I was fumbling around for it, but missed the call.  What felt like a few minutes later some guy bursts into my room and starts yelling at me, “where were you at 12:45?!” He’s coming at me with a syringe in his hand.  Once my dreaming eyes focus in on it I sit bolt upright in the bed and scream, “I was sleeping!” and then for some reason I realise I was dancing with my aunt or my mom, but only for an hour so I correct myself.  By now the guy’s got me by the wrists with his one hand, still yelling at me.  I’m kneeing him in the head and screaming trying to stay away from the syringe until he presses my head down with his elbow and stabs me with it in the throat.  He’s still yelling, only now I can’t understand him and no sound is coming from my screams.  I wake up.

I don’t know why I had this dream, I feel horrible; maybe someone’s trying to silence me.  It all happened so fast and I just felt this sense of violence, like this guy was really trying to harm me.  I don’t understand it.  I’m going to go shower and see if I can’t shake it off.

The world tries to crush you if you don’t conform, don’t step into line… but there is always this space they can not touch.  More. Happy. Thoughts. To be. Thunk. (SO there!)

 

Sometimes it's difficult seeing the sun shining beyond the fog...

Sometimes it's difficult seeing the sun shining beyond the fog...

I’m trying to come to terms with it all being out of my hands – all of it.  Luckily the fog always clears and warmer days are ahead.  Think. Happy. Thoughts.

Conversation with my mother…
Ma: Can you freeze your eggs?
Me: Uhm, that costs alot of money and I’m sure some pain is involved.
Ma (shocked): It costs money! Can you just take them out?
Me (talking over her): Ma, ma.. they gotta freeze them, store them…
Ma (talking over me): What do you mean *they* got to freeze them – we got a freezer here! <pointing to the one in the our kitchen>

Me: *very long pause and sigh*

Me: Ma, like cryogenically freeze. That freezer is not cold enough.
Ma: Oh.

I swear sometimes my mom comes up with some completely random ideas… the conversation leading up to that involved my sister showing us a picture she took in the mall of some man’s freakishly large, chicharrón like ear. Is it any wonder I turned out like I did? Really?

Ok, so that’s an old joke but I’m trying to keep a positive outlook.  Today I began my “pre-detox” so that next week (or the following week, I forget which) detoxing won’t kill me as much.

As part of starting the year right, I decided to join B&B for a week of “cleansing.”  It’s only for a week so I figure I could suck it up – it’s supposed to do a body good. 

Those of you that have been around for a while, might remember the vampiric experience I went through during the way-to-long-and-harsh liver cleansing diet that ended in much blood shed over a Winnie-the-Pooh cake at a child’s birthday (I was doing so well, albeit thirsting for blood!) and the less bitey couple of weeks of detox I did a few years back with herbs I could only describe as having come outta a swamp, stewed in swamp water and cured in a swampy smoke house for extra flavour.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? It’s good for you, kids.  At least, that’s what people keep telling me.  This time, I won’t be going it alone… it should be good fun – uh huh.

Tonight, we’re all going walking and then having vegetables for dinner … oh yay! I texted B to tell her I was being good and having salad with lots of veggies and she said she was too, but with steak! What?!

She tells me, “oh we can eat meat in the day, just not the evening…” Man is she in big trouble!

No.. no… must check the attitude and put on my happy face otherwise this is going to feel alot longer then it should.

I miss you.

Today I was in B&N getting a few things with a gift card I got for Christmas. I went with my mom- she wanted a calendar, but stumbled upon a book mark with my initial on it. It’s more like a letter attached to a cord with a little plate at the bottom that said: Explore.

She held it up and said, “look, it’s you.”

I liked it, so I got it. This year feels like it’s going to be about – exploring.

On other news, I signed my mom and I up for Italian classes at the community school. I can’t wait! I wonder where the teacher is from… hope it’s actually, uhm, Italy! Otherwise, we might end up with wonky accents. Though to be honest, I really don’t care – it’s going to be fun.

So here’s to exploring, to dreaming and to all that you discover along the way. Remember, “if you can dream it, you can do it…” (Walt Disney)

Last night, Sophie my big hairy elephant of a Golden Retriever decided to demonstrate her bravery (or lack there of).

Something went bump in the night in my bedroom because the next thing I know there is a 30 lb dog on-my-head! I of course, was knocked out asleep and was so very rudely awaken when her ginormous feet smooshed into my cheek as she jumped onto me.

If I could’ve sat up bolt upright, I would’ve… but instead I had to grab her and yank her off me because for whatever reason she would not step down. She smashed into my face at such high speed and with such force, my head is (still) throbbing. This better be good, I think to myself.

She’s never been on my bed – at least not that I’m aware and never while I’ve been on it; she’s too big and hairy!

Anyway, I find the flashlight that’s in my bedside table (because my bedside lamp wasn’t plugged in after painting my room)… and scan the room. What the heck scared her?

The room is still, all except for the dog now on the ground pressing her weight hard against my arm because she can not get close enough to me for protection and staring (only momentarily) at her would-be-attacker: the octopus surge protector.

Normally it’s near my bedside table, but with the painting and all I moved it onto the floor across the room. I guess she tripped over it in the night and it freaked her out with it’s one red and one green eye.

Oh, I’m so ashamed. I got her to protect the house and here I am being woke up at night to protect her from… nothing.

I should’ve named her Puss. I think that will be her new nickname…

I read somewhere that if you’re gonna make a resolution for the new year it shouldn’t be something that you don’t want to do because you’re just setting yourself up for failure.

Today I had this dark cloud over my head and Roberta Flack was singing “Killing me Softly” on my car radio… and then a car pulled in front of me with a bumper sticker that read:

“Think Happy Thoughts” 

And that was it… the cloud moved, I changed the radio station and just focused on flying. Ever so gently, I just felt better. 

It’s nice when stuff like that happens… really nice.  My New Year’s resolution is to “think happy thoughts” – what’s yours?

Funny how when you least expect it, you get the surprise of your life. It may not always seem good at the time, but hold onto it – your perspective may change.

Last night, I had one of those unsettling surprises, but here’s the thing: it’s a new year, a new beginning and I have hope. Maybe, it’s better described as faith – faith that it’s in God’s hands; that I’m not alone in my way of seeing the world and even if I am, that’s ok. I’ll be ok.

I often say, I live in a tinkverse where the colours are more vivid and the emotions run deeply. Not many people get this, but some people do – for which I’m ever so grateful.

To take a line from a song I like, “it’s time to face up, clean this old house, breathe in and let everything out” (Sanctus Real) – new year, new beginning.

For those of you, along for the ride – welcome. I hope we’ll have many great adventures together. For those who will disembark here – fare thee well, thank you for your company and for sharing all the ups and downs of the journey thus far.

To everyone: I wish you a joy filled 2009.